Insert extremely witty, supercool title here
by CaityAndNaeHeartCookies
Summary: What happens when an army of evil, blood-thirsty vampire squirrels take the Akatsuki’s money, why is Deidara and Sasori stalking Ronald Mcdonald and what on earth is Pein doing with a copy of Womans Day tucked in his cloak? Includes strong language.
1. Chapter 1

**Alright-e-Os! Well, this is my first properly written story!! WOOHOO!!! It takes place round about Shippuuden, pre-rescue Gaara arc, so Sasori etc is still alive but Tobi is a full member of the Akatsuki! WOOHOO, GO THE AWESUMNESS THAT IS TOBI!!!...ahem...yeah, well anyways...I hope you enjoy and review!**

**Oh and BTW, Renae is me (A.K.A: Nae, Larry, 'the other one, 'girl by the door' or whatever else you may happen to know me by) and the writing in Italics is sort of like interruptions to the main story (If you understand the ununderstandableness (OMG, brackets in brackets!!)).**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, the characters or the Akatsuki's bathroom sink. But I do own the army of evil, blood-thirsty vampire squirrels's, so watch yourself! Or they may just come after you....dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn!!!**

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_**What happens when an army of evil, blood-thirsty vampire squirrels take the Akatsuki's money, why is Deidara and Sasori stalking Ronald Mcdonald and what on earth is Pein doing with a copy of Womans Day tucked in his cloak?? Plus, is letting them work at a school such a good idea?**_

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"_Alright, well this is the story of how-"_

"_Renae, can I please tell the story?"_

"_Uuum, I guess.."_

"Yay!! Well....

"Get back here THEIF!!!"

I yelled as I ran around the bathroom after an entire army of evil, blood-thirsty vampire squirrels –"

"_Umm, it was a mouse Kakuzu, un..."_

"Shutup Deidara, I'm tellin' a story here!! Now, were was I...Oh, well, why I was risking my life trying to capture these beast you may ask? Well-"

"_Pfft, risking your life my arse, un..."_

"Deidara, stop interrupting!!! WELL!!! They had stolen over $200 000 worth of money from my piggy bank!"

"_Wow...Tobi never knew you had that much money....Why didn't you buy Tobi birthday present?"_

"_Tobi, he never had that much money...unless your counting his Monopoly money,un."_

"_Grr, SHUT- wait... How do you know about that..."_

"_FOR GODS SAKE!!! THAT'S IT, I"M TELLIN THE FRICKEN STORY!"_

"_But Renae, how would you know all the important details, like how much money I lost, and about how I saved it by riding upon a dragon and-"_

"_I have my ways, Kakuzu..I have my ways...Plus, your making half of that stuff up. Okie dokies, onwards with the story!!"_

"Get back here THEIF!"

Kakuzu yelled as he chased a mouse around the bathroom, knocking over this and that and causing utter destruction and global warming.

In the lounge room of the Akatsuki base

"HEEELLLPPPP!!!!"

Itachi looked up from his book, startled by the odd noise. He was pretty sure he killed that cat...No, wait, Itachi wasn't thinking that, he would never kill a poor, innocent kitty cat... Ahem, anyways, so he decided he had better investigate...The easy way.

" Hey Deidara, go check that out will you?"

He returned to his book. Deidara shot Itachi a dirty look and grudgingly got up, tipping his cup of orange juice over Itachi's head on the way, much to Itachi's horror. Hah, Deidara better make himself scarce for the next couple of hours if he knows what's good for him... (Itachi + orange juice in his hair = somethin' scarier then...then....Orochimaru in a tutu!! (Oh em ef gee, I can do MATHS!! (OMFG, brackets in brackets!)))

Back in the bathroom

"Kakuzu, I'm afraid, we are gonna have to amputate, un..."

Deidara announced with a fake-grim look on his face. Kakuzu had his arm at least 50cm down the bathroom sink (How he got it there, not even the almighty pancakes would know...). The mouse had somehow got hold of one of Kakuzu's precious $5 notes, so of course, being heaps smart and all, he went down the drain after it.

"Oh Deidara, what am I gonna do??" Kakuzu asked in an over-dramatic sorta way.

"Uumm, cant you sew amputated limbs back on, un?"

"I wasn't talkin' 'bout that idiot!" Kakazu snapped before going back to moping. "That mouse and his comrades have been stealing my money, note by note, building an entire civilization right beneath our feet, with plans to invade and steal all the goodness cheese has brought to the world and keep it for themselves, the greedy bastards!!! Now the Akatsuki has no money!!"

The Akatsuki member broke out into a flood of tears. Deidara, having never before seen a fellow S-ranked crim cry, was at a loss for what to do, so settle for patting his back in a fed up manner.

"Don't touch me!" Kakuzu snapped again, then pulled his not-stuck-after-all arm from out of the sink and walked straight out of the bathroom dry-faced like nothing happened. Deidara gave a resigned sigh and trudged after him, muttering something about mood swings, PMSing Konans, multicoloured chickens and being under-appreciated and used.

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**Well, waddaya guys think? Sorry the first chappie is so short (it looked a hell of a lot longer on Word) and not very funny, but it will get better...hopefully....So please review ^^**


	2. Fluffy bunnies and prancing unicorns

**Yay, chappie 2!!! WOOHOO!!!! Hopefully this one shall be a bit longer ;)**

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"Alright everyone, since Kakuzu is a useless loser that couldn't even stop a mouse, your all gonna have to actually get up off your arses and do something!"

Pein announced to a very pissed off group of Akatsuki members. After a collected moan from everyone and a few very naughty words (which Im gonna have to tell his mumma 'bout) from Hidan, Pein continued.

"Alright, I've got you all a job at a school!!"

Silent gawps.

"Gawd, everyone doesn't have to be so enthusiastic and happy for Petes sake.."

"Who is Pete? ?? Tobi don't get it – Ow, why you hit Tobi!! Bad boy!!"

"Right, this school is in America, so nobody will know us and we wont have to worry 'bout ANBU busting our arses while we are merely trying to torture lil' kiddies...Oh, so nooow you show enthusiasm...What sorta people are you??"

Suddenly, the electricity came off. Then came back on. There, there's your excitement for the day, thank you for shopping at polony-sandwiches -R - us , please come again!

"_Where on Earth did that come from?"_

"_My mouse pad..."_

"_Riiiiight..."_

"_It has a picture with four puppies on it. Very inspirational..."_

" _I don't see the connection?"_

"_Well..."_

"_Oh god, don't get her started..."_

"_Muwahaha, I aint gonna tell ya! On with the story!!"_

"_Phew..."_

Pein continued blabbering about school rules, dress codes and all that other...shit...The Akatsuki was starting to get a tad bored. So, Tobi started up a game of duck, duck, turkey! WOOHOO!!! Much to everyone elses horror.

"Duck, duck, duck....."

Tobis hand lingered menacingly above ones perfectly kept hair...

"WEASEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tobi yelled as he ruffled Itachis hair and took off up the chimney, a seriously pissed off weasel – umm I mean blind-dude..noo?...uhhh....ferret? Mink? Geez, there's just no pleasing you peoples.... right on his tail.

Meanwhile, Kakuzu was playing with, I mean, very sensibly setting up, mouse traps, Sasori had slinked off to go uhhh....brush his hair! Yeah, that'll do I guess... As for Kisame....Dude, what is he doing???

"OMG!!! I never knew we had a pet cat!!"

Kisame yelled as a real pissed cat jump into his arms.

"Aaaw, poor kitty-cat, did the meanie-weanie weasel trap the poor-kitty-witty in the eeeevil cupboard?" Kisame cooed.

"..." _What do you think I am? A dog?? Purr-lease!_

"Oh, you poor creature! Here, let daddy gets you some yummies for your tum-tum."

"Meow!" _Yeah, thats right bitch!_

So, Kisame went to the kitchen to gather whatever food Hidan wasn't throwing at the poor, defenceless hobos on the street. Zetsu was being..uhh....Zetsu I guess.

"So Zetty ol' pal, how have you been today?"

"Same old, same old...Ate some random kid that was playing with a rubber duck. He was calling it Mr Cucumber for heavens' sake!!! Any kid that calls their rubber ducks that deserves to die!!"

"You know what Zetsu, I think your going soft. You've been making excuses for everything you kill lately..."

" I have not!"

"Have too..."

"I HAVE NOT!!! IM GONNA KILL YOU!!"

Suddenly, Zetsu leapt into the air, tackled himself to the ground, got back up, slipped on a bar of random soap which flew into the air, ricocheting off the wall and out the window. It then proceeded to fly all the way to some random place 2 entire metres from the base, were it was picked up by a bird and carried all the way to America. As for Zetsu, he had knocked himself out while trying to hit himself with a whisk...Anyway, as for Deidara and Konan, well neither of them had been there from the start (ooOOoooOooo...hehe, just joking). Actually, Konan was still on vacation in Jamaica, but as for Deidara... I have no idea... Pein was still rambling, when he was interrupted by a high pitched scream from Kakuzu, who had his ear in a mouse trap, causing him to realise his audience had either disappeared or was withering in pain on the ground.

"Pein...little help..please.."

"Pfft, no...Here," He dropped a heap of brochures onto a twitching Kakuzu. "Ensure these get to the right members."

And with that, he left to go do whatever it is leaders do when they finally get a break from their idiotic, supposably evil organisation members...

**The Next Day**

"Aawww Mr Jellypie, you are just the most cutest kitty – cat the world has ever seen!!"

Kisame was still fawning over the cat, who was, unknown to poor innocent Kisame...PLOTTING THE MOST EVILEST WAY TO EAT SASORIS BELOVED GOLDFISH!!! DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!

".... ...." _Hmmmm, maybe if I just .....No, Sushi here might interfere....Wait, Sushi? Hmmm, I wonder if he is a fish...._

" And..this is for you.."

Kakuzu said bluntly as he walked through the door without even bothering to open it, let alone knock. He threw one of the brochures at Kisame and walked off again.

"Uhhh, ok.." He read through the brochure."WHAT!!!!!!!"

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"Pein!! What's the meaning of this!"

Kisame waved the brochure in front of his leader, who was laughing his head off – on the inside of course. The brochure explained Kisames job at the school – janitor.

"I mean seriously!!! How could my valuable educating skills go to waste scrubbing dunnies!!"

"Well, you see, your so called 'valuable educating skills' are no use if you cant speak English, and your the only member who cant."

Kisame hung his head, clutching Mr Jellypie to his chest and sobbing into his fur.

"But, you get your own mop!"

With this, Kisames head shot up, a wide grin on his face and a sparkle in his eyes. He let out a loud WOOHOO!!, threw Mr Jellypie into the air, just managed to catch him before he fell into Peins piranha tank and skipped down the hall and back into his room to pack.

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Later that day, the Akatsuki had gathered out the front of the base, bags packed and ready to go! Minus Deidara and Tobi...

" *sigh* Does anyone know where those two idiots may be??"

"Nope."

"Nuh-uh."

"Good riddance."

"Fuck them, lets get goin already..."

"Nope, and Mr Jellypie hasn't seen them either."

Itachi glanced up to see the owner of the odd name and saw, not just any cat, but THE cat! THE CAT!! The one that ruined his entire life...The one that stole his stash of oreos which he had been hiding from Sasuke..The one that somehow murdered his entire clan (Itachi had no idea why they think it was him...He would never do such a thing...)...The one that..that...PEED IN HIS SUPERLY DUPERLY AWESOME BUNNY SLIPPERS!!!! THE UNFORGIVABLE SIN!!

"You..."

Itachi growled as he pointed one super scary finger at Mr Jellypie.

"Me-owww." _You..._

Itachi and the cat sat staring at each other..and staring..and staring...'Till suddenly...

"HAH!!! I WIN!!!"

Itachi yelled while jumping up and down pointing at the cat, who burrowed its head in shame in Kisames cloak. Kisame comforted Mr Jellypie, while everyone else mearly gaped open –mouthed at Itachi. Itchai, realising what he was doing, quickly regained his serious composure.

"Close your mouths idiots, are you tying to catch flies or something?"

And with that he walked off to the bus, which had somehow appeared randomly. Everyone else followed behind, still gaping.

"OH MY GOD!! I CAUGHT A FLY!"

Sasori yelled, waving his hand around, holding a small black fly, a grin on his face. Itachi rolled his eyes, a notion gone unseen, except by a strange stranger (strange stranger! Get it, get it?? No??... oh..) hidden in the trees, dun dun dun dunnnnnn!

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**Meh, sorry its not very funny or long, but I promise it will get better once they get to America!! But I cant make any promises...wait..but I just said..never mind....**


	3. Sunshine and Lollipops!

_Orochimarus POV_

Woohoo!! My turn to tell the story!!

Well, at the moment, I aint doing much, so how about a flashback? Yes? Okie dokie!

_Flashback_

_Well, there I was, sittin' in the tree, plotting the best way to sneak aboard the Akatsukis bus when I had a realisation.... NOBODY LOVES ME!!! I mean come on, who loves some creepy snake – guy?? NO ONE! THATS WHO! Sasuke and Kabuto, they don't love me... Everyone thinks I'm some Micheal Jackson wannabe for heavens sake! I am WAAAYY!!! Cooler them him! Plus, I never wanted to be the bad guy! I wanted to be in a toothpaste commercial but nooooo I had to go in 'Naruto' just case they were lookin for some creepy – _

"_Yeah, yeah, no one gives a damn about your sorry life story, get on with it..."_

"_But, but.."_

"_Nuh-uh."_

"_Hmph fine...Well, once my realisation was over I had another one..The bus left. With one of those slow-mo 'NOOOOO!'s you get in the movies, I attempt a dramatic leap, you know, to keep with the movie them and all, caught my foot on a branch and flipped head over heels, landing on my head. Not quite the effect I was after, but it got me down none the less. I sat up and saw a..squirrel. This thing just sat, staring...mocking... I swear, if squirrels could laugh, this thing was laughing its head off...wait, can squirrels laugh? Yeah, yeah, get on with it, fine... Well, I jumped up and started chasing the bus. I was running for an hour or so, when I could hear massive footsteps pounding behing me. My first thought was an escaped dinosaur from Jurassic Park, but then I thought 'No Orchi, Jurassic Park isn't real" so I turned around and saw...THE MOST EVILIST LITTLE DUCKLING THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! I mean it was so cute and fluffy it just HAD to be evil!_

_End Flashback_

Anyway, this thing is still following me..So yeah, well you might as well switch POVs 'cos I aint doin' much else...

_End Orochimarus POV_

**On the Bus**

_Hidans POV_

* The following content was blocked by me, Renae, because I don't want any of my readers being scarred for life like I was...* Wait..what..hey!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HEAD BITCH!!!

_End Hidans POV_

_Normal POV_

Meh, the bus trip wasn't very exciting anyway. They only got lost a few times, somehow ended up in Kentucky (Wherever that is, I just like the name), got attacked by a turkey whilst stopping for pie, got a flat tyre, ran over something that looked strangely like Orochimaru, Kakuzu got caught out by one of those 'glue-a-penny-to-the-pavement-and-laugh-at-people-who-try-to-pick-it-up' pranks, and other bits and pieces. So finally, after a very long and tiring drive, they eventually arrived at the school.

"'St. Thomas Perriwinkles School for Child Delinquents', charming..."

Kisame squinted at the sign, stroking Mr Jellypie's fur.

"Wait, you never told us it was a school for delinquents!"

"Well if I told you that, you wouln't've come, am I right? Well, everyone out!"

So they all slid off the bus and started heading towards the school. Sasori, stopped though, certain he heard a bang and a muffled yell. Nope, it was nothing...wait, there it is again...He turned around and made his way to the side compartment of the bus. When he opened it, out poured Deidara and Tobi.

"Argh!! Tobi!! Get your fat arse off my hair un!!"

"Ooopsies, Tobi is sowwy.."

So they got up and headed to the school with the others, Deidara making a point of whacking Itachi over the head with a rubber chicken he found randomly in the bushes.

"Bastard, un.."

**Meanwhile**

Two girls peered through the second story window of the school at the newcomers.

"Pfft, we will have these ones outta here quicker then the other lot..."

"OMG!!! So that's were I put my rubber chicken!!"

"Oh god...So, is the plan set?"

"Eye-eye capi-tan!*salutes*"

"Exxxcellant....MUWAHAHA!!!" *breaks out into maniacal laughter and abruptly stops* "just..don't blow up the school ok?"

"I cant make any promises!"

And with that they left to put into action whatever plan they were scheming.

**Back with the Akatsuki**

"Hmm, the place appears empty.."

Kakuzu pushed open the door and peered into the empty hallway. It had high, raftered ceilings and shiny white floors. Smoke came wafting down the hallway.

"Cooking class?"

"Lets go check it out, there might be someone who can point us in the direction of the office."

So they walked up the hall. When they turned the corner, they saw a redheaded girl sitting on the floor, playing with a box of matches in the middle of the hallway.

"Uuh, hi...Can you tell us the way to the office?"

Pein asked. The girl just stared, lighting match after match. Finally, she stopped staring and lit up a fire cracker.

"Should we tell them the way?"

"Hmm, nah."

"Have you heard that new song out by Britney Spears?"

"Uh..no..I don't listen to Britney Spears, geez..."

The Akatsuki glanced at each other, uncertain about what to do and worried about the fire cracker that the girl was now tossing about like a toy, still muttering to herself.

"Uuuh, I think you should put that down un, before you blow us up."

"And that means what to me?"

Suddenly, a sly grin appeared on her face and she jumped up and shot into the nearest classroom. The Akatsuki just shrugged their shoulders and were about to continue on their way, when polony rained from the ceiling, but not just any polony – RADIOACTIVE POLONY!! A second blonde girl jumped down from the rafters, and was soon joined by the first. They sat watching as the Akatsuki unsuccessfully dodge the radioactiveness of the polony.

"Uuuh, why isn't the polony making any effect?"

"I don't get it, how does painting the polony green make it radioactive?"

"You painted it green??"

"Well, yeah. It was the only way I could think of to get it all green and glowy like the cartoons."

"IDIOT!!! YOU RUINED MY INGENIOUS PLAN!!! HOW CAN I BE AN EVIL GENIUS IF MY SIDEKICK IS AN IDIOT??"

The second teen was jumping up and down, pulling at her hair, the redhead just plopped herself onto the ground and attempted to set a stray piece of polony on fire, she was obviously used to the blondes outbursts. The fire cracker lay forgotten, but still alight. The Akatsuki just stared, dumbstruck and covered in green polony. The blonde teen walked off, muttering something, while the other got up and followed, reciting Dr Seuss's 'Green Eggs and Ham' book.

The fire cracker went off.

"_Aaaaand, SNACK TIME!!"_

"_Aaaw, Tobi was enjoying that, just as you got to the good bit too..."_

" _So, whos up for COOKIES!!! No one? Good! More cookies for me, bahahaha!!!"_

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**Third chapter already and no reviews, I feel soo unloved!! *sniff***

**Anyway, the school kids are gonna be based off me and my friends. So far the red head is based off me and the blonde off my friend Caity ^^**


	4. Nae luvs Turtles

"_Checkmate!"_

_Kakuzu yelled, jumping up and getting tangled in the chandelier._

"_This isn't chess you know.."_

_Sasori sighed, a slight trace of amusement on his face as he gazed up at the ceiling._

"_Oh really, what were we playing?"_

"_Scrabble, un."_

_Deidara wasn't interested in the idiot in the chandelier, he was too occupied tenderly placing an 'E' onto the end of the word 'Douche', which just so happened to complete a sentence reading 'Itachi is a Douche Bag', a grin of triumph spread across his face. Sasori just rolled his eyes._

"_Hey, has anyone seen Renae? Shes been gone for like.....5 hours..."_

" _I dunno, she probably got eaten by rabid porky pines or something, un.."_

"_IM BAAAAA-AAAAAAAACK!!!"_

_Renae called out in a sing-song voice, carrying a jar of cookies. She then plomped herself down onto the couch and proceeded to devour them._

"_What took you so long? The kitchen is like, right there..."_

"_Well..... First off I encountered Miley Cyrus in your hallway, so I proceed to annihilate her by calling upon my army of evil ninja furbies, which came all the way from Canada to also destroy my other arch enemy Elmo, which resulted in a herd of angry purple-striped zebra charging through New York and knocking down innocent, over-sized colouring pencils which just so happened to be planning a trip to Jamaica, therefore they had to cancel it, which resulted in the penguins of Antarctica running out of sunscreen!"_

"_0.o..."_

"_Whaaat??? I thought it was a good excuse...thrashes Kakashis any day...Fine, I had to go allll the way to the shops to get cookies!!! What sorta evil peoples are you, no cookies, psssh, unheard of, appalling...."_

"_Well, the reason we don't have cookies, un, is because...uhhh....Sasori knocked a boat off a bridge, which resulted in a..uhh...turkey laying an egg un...which..."_

"_You suck...Well, anyway, on with the story!!"_

"_Could someone get me down please? Theres a spider up here and its staring at me....Kinda creepy..."_

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"Dun da dadada dun dadada DUNNNNNNNNN–"

"SSHHHHH!!!!!!!!! " Hissed, umm, we'll just call her Random Student X, aye? Sighing, uhh, Random student Y, put her 'gun' (AKA, her hands) down and got up from her crouching stance.

"Awww..."

"Do you have the map of the school air conditioning system?"

"Yes-er-E!" Random Student Y started digging through her seemingly bottomless pockets, pulling out an assortment of objects, 'till gradually all that could be seen of her was her red hair.

"Muffle muffle." A hand grasping a brochure came out from the pile of random objects. Random Student X slapped her forehead.

"Please explain...HOW ON EARTH IS A MAP OF THE ZOO GONNA HELP US?"

"_Wait, wait, wait....You haven't told them what on Earth happened to the firecracker!"_

" _A little sign popped up reading 'haha, suckers!', there, happy?"_

"_I guess.."_

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**In Deidaras Class**

"First, you mix the purple with the green, un, then add a smidge of the red...stuff....then..." He paused just as he was about to add a sausage to the foul smelling concoction for a dramatic effect. The class watched in silence. "KABOOOOOM!!!"

Nothing happened...

"Eehh, heheh...un?"

The class looked murderous.

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**In Tobis class**

"Put your left hand in, pull your left hand out, put your left hand in and shake it all about!" Tobi had his class successfully doing the hocky pocky, except for him, he was using his his right hand.

"TOBIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!UNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!"

Deidara came running into the room, clutching his pony-tail in horror, followed by an entire army of rabid, mange-covered, vile, putrid, purple pumpernickels armed with superly- duperly sharp crayons!! Uumm, I mean kids... Deidara leapt over a table and cowered behind Tobi. Then the bell went. The maniacal gleam left the childrens eyes and they suddenly ran out of the classroom to the cafeteria. Deidara grinned sheepishly up at Tobi. Tobi, who was frozen in horror half way through putting his right leg in, was half expecting someone to yell 'surprise!' and point at all the hidden cameras like in the TV shows.

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**Up in The Air-conditioning System**

"Ok, are you sure the crocodile enclosure on this map is the equivalent of Deidaras classroom?"

"Absasmoodily! What have you got against him anyway?"

"He..he..." Random Student X broke out into a flood of anime tears. "HE TOLD ME LEPRECHAUNS DONT EXIST AND STOLE MY PENCIL AND GAVE IT BACK!!!!" (AKA, borrowed it...)

"Oh there there..." Random Student Y gently patted her on the back. "Its ok.."

" *Sniff*, Ok! Bombs away!!"

Random Student X pulled a large tub of cheese fondue from..somewhere.. and poured it through the grating, laughing maniacally, waiting for the screams from her unwary prey...None came...

"What the...Random Student Y this better not be cream painted yellow, I wanted cheese I tell you, CHEESE!!" She sat waving her fist around. Unknown to them, some of the cheese dripped into Deidaras random mixture of stuff and was bubbly furiously. The bubbles seeped over the edge of the beaker and made its way towards another random beaker of Deidaras, causing a massive...

KABOOOM!!!!

The explosion shot skyward leaving a hole in the roof, narrowly missing the two conniving teens.

"Woah...That was AWESOME!!! WOOHOOO!!!!!"

Random Student Y leapt out of the charred opening of the air vent and started burning stuff in a small fire burning in the middle of the room. Random Student X meanwhile marvelled at her handiwork – a new skylight for the science lab.

"I always knew this room needed a skylight...Pfft, stuff school funding, who needs them, when this school has ME!! I AM AWESOME!!"

Random Student X also climbed out of the air vent, though rather clumsily and somehow bringing down a few objects which were actually no where near her as well.

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"Uuuh...Kisame...What are you doing there?"

"Well.....There I was, mopping up some random somethin or other, when an entire army came outta nowhere and and attacked me with all matter of dangerous objects, but I fended them all off!!

"If you managed to fend them off, why are you hanging from the basketball ring from your shoelaces?"

"Because it looked like fun, duh! I saw a group of kids tie this other little kid to the other basketball ring – see he's still there, hey Arnold! – So I walked up to this group of kids and I was all like "Hey guys, could you tie me up to?" and they were all like "OK!", so yeah..."

Pein gazed at Kisame, who was attempting to fake grin, not believing a word of it.

"Fine...They tied me up and I couldn't stop them, there, happy? Now, could you get me down...Please?"

So, with a flick of the wrist, Pein flung a kunai and Kisame landed on the floor in a heap, his awesome shoelaces now ruined. With a resigned sigh, Pein walked out of the Basketball court and back to the office. He had some detentions to attend to. Kisame meanwhile scurried to his feet and scrambled off to find his beloved Mr Jellypie.

"Hey..Uhhh..Guys...Little help please? Guys? Aww..."

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"Alright kids, we are going on a scavenger hunt – for money! Do you guys wanna know how much money I found just walking around the school? A whole $6.75!!!!!!! Do you guys know how much of a waste that is?? All of those 5c and 10c would just sit on the floor, being of no use to anybody! Yeah, that's right, I've seen ya! You just stick your hands into your pocket and pull out 10c, then your all like," he then started speaking in that really annoying voice people use when they repeat what a child just said, flopping his hands around and making funny faces. "Oh, look! 10c! This can't buy me the latest gaming console, so I'll just throw it on the ground like an insolent little twerp! Oh, look at me, I WASTED an entire 10c!" He went back to his normal voice and continued his rant. "That 10c could be saved up and added to other 10c to create DOLLARS!! DOLLARS PEOPLE!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH THOSE!!! WELL, YOU CERTAINLY DONT WASTE IT ON STUFF LIKE GAMING CONSOLES AND CDS!!! NOOOOO!!! YOU SAVE IT UP!!!! AND-"

_Thud_

"Told you the turtle enclosure is the equivalent to this room. Hmmm, looks we're early, no teacher, awesome!"

Both Random Student X and Y dropped from the air vent, landing on Kakuzu (a fact which they were completely oblivious of BTW). They made their way back to their seats and looked around innocently.

"Hey guys, so umm, whats up?"

* * *

**I swear my chapters are getting lamer and lamer......hmmm.....Well, I have decide that since I have a life, assassinations to be completed, high security complexes to blow up and polony sandwiches to eat, you know, the norm, well I wont be continuing until I get at least 5 reviews. I just find it really hard to do stuff without some serious motivation, so yeah...Forget the trees, save a story!**

**Oh, and BTW, remember, Kisame cant speak English, so he and Peins convo was in Japanese.**


	5. Evil, demonic sprinkles!

**Yeah, yeah, I know I said 5 reviews, but when I got my 4th I started typing this up and my other reviews were so loved filled that I thought I had might as well just put it up. Plus I wanted to get the first day over and done with, hehe. So thanks to everyone who reviewed, you may all have radioactive polony!!! Oh, and sorry its so short!  
**

* * *

" 'S-scuse me m-m-mister, but w-whats the answer to 1657 d-divided by 26.5 plus 768 c-cubed plus.......w-what is that symbol? Are y-you serious about us having to w-work it out in our head? We w-we are only 12.."

A small boy sat at his desk, a piece of paper covered in nearly impossible maths sums infront of him. His tiny body shook and fear was evident in his voice, he didn't want to end up like the...others....

"Foolish student, the answer is 10004958737.7774563, I do not accept idiots in my class, Mankekyo Sharigan."

Itachi was really enjoying his job, although he didn't show it of course. He gazed around at his previously large class, which was now reduced to only 5. The boy was being dragged out of the room by Kisame (hey, as janitor he had to keep everything clean and tidy, and what would people think if they saw dead bodies lying everywhere, the school might be closed for being unhygienic ) to join Itachis little 'collection'.

* * *

"Guys, I'm hoooooome!"

Konan gazed around at the empty lounge room of the lair. She walked into the kitchen, there is always someone in there feeding their face. Nope, nobody. So she checked the bedrooms. All of them so far had been empty, so she got a bit of a surprise when she walked into Itachis room and found....Sasuke. Sasuke stopped what he was doing ( pouring sugar into his brothers shampoo, with an evil glint in his eyes and a maniacal grin, oooh, thats just pure evil..), whipped around and pulled out a pair of uzis in one hand and a grenade in the other. Konan just gazed around at the many bear traps, ping pong balls, trip wires and other highly dangerous, illegal objects that littered the floor.

" Oh, its only you...Excuse me, but I need to finish setting up that trap just above your head, so could you please move?"

Sasuke made his way over to a ladder to finish rigging up a toaster, which was dangling over the door, waiting for the moment Itachi walked through the door so it could knock him out cold. And if he somehow evaded that, he was guaranteed to step on something else! And if he invaded THAT, then he would have to suffer from a severe cause of SUGARY SWEET HAIR!!! THE HORROR!!! It was fool proof!!

"Umm...sure...Carry on..."

Konan slid out of the room and continued down the hallway. Last, but not least, Hidans room.

"Oh Hidan, finally! Umm, where are the others? Oh, and don't go into Itachis room, Sasuke is in there setting traps and that. Oh, and-"

Konan paused. Hidan was standing up, scythe in hand, looking perfectly happy. One problem though... He had a tube of Colgate toothpaste in his hand! Since when do S-ranked criminals brush their teeth with Colgate toothpaste??? Only the fancy criminal-wannabes brush their teeth with famous brand toothpaste, hoping that their dazzling smile will fool the good guys and they can make a quick get away! Pein was convinced of this, and therefore allowed only nameless, cheap tubes of toothpaste, so the Akatsuki is known for their evilness, and not their blinding smiles! If Pein had it entirely his way, there would be no toothpaste at all, but Kakuzu convinced him that paying $1 for toothpaste is better then hundreds at the dentist. Konan, furious, marched right up to Hidan, attempted to snatch the toothpaste away, only to....knock him down...

It was a cardboard cutout of Hidan, from the days when he was the Colgate mascot.

Konan carefully slipped out of the room, scared of what else could be lurking in Hidans room.

She made her way back down he hallway. _Itachi and Deidara must have decided they needed to do some shopping and dragged everyone else along too... _She passed Sasuke as he walked out of Itachis room, uzis in hand, a shotgun and a rocket launcher strapped to his back, infra red goggles and all sorts of other high tech gadgetry with the sole purpose of destroying Itachi.

"Later Konan!"

He waved as he walked out of the lair. Konan gazed around at the empty room, an evil plan being hatched in her mind...

* * *

"Pssst!! Random student Y! Come check this out!"

Random student X was dangling from the cafeteria ceiling – upside down and suspended from a ceiling fan by a bit of rope. Random Student Y slid down on her rope to join her friend.

"Oh my fricken gawd..."

There was Kisame, singing into his mop, gazing lovingly at Mr Jellypie, who was gazing around nervously in case any of his cat friends were watching.

"Last night, while I was sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms! But when I woke up, I found Sasori crying, and you were sitting next to his fishbowl!"

Random Student X, who was previously silently weeping, amazed by Kisames surprisingly beautiful singing voice (lol!), fell from her rope in shock at the rather un-romantic ending. Kisame jumped up and waved his mop around threateningly, ready to fend off any monsters that think they can tie him up by his shoelaces, after all, this time he had a secret weapon – he had no shoelaces! He brought fancy new shoes with Velcro!!! Lets see them try now! Kisame, too occupied with marvelling at his genius, failed to notice Random Student Y slip back into the ceiling and Random Student X crawling towards the door. He also completely forgot why he stopped singing, so he continued on, only to stop soon after, finding his beloved kitty gone.

Random Student X, meanwhile, made it to the door and slipped out, writing down 'used a door' in her book of firsts, a cat perched quite contently upon her back.

"MR JELLYPIE!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

* * *

"You..."

"...."

Zetsu stood, glaring at a rather familiar bar of soap sitting on a sink in the toilets.

"...."

"......"

".."

"ITS ALL YOUR FAULT I MISSED OUT ON AN EPISODE OF MY FAVOURITE SHOW!!! DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW AWESOME THE SADDLECLUB IS???? OBVIOUSLY NOT!! CAUSE OTHERWISE YOU WOULDNT HAVE RENDERED ME UNABLE TO WATCH IT!!

"Uuh, but Zetsu, don't you remember, you knocked us out with a whisk?"

"WHAT?? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I DO THAT??? I-"

Deidara, who had been about to walk into the toilets, slowly took his hand off the handle, turned around, and walked into the female toilets. For once in his life, he was thankful for his feminine looks, cause he really needed to pee...badly. (Also, it was the first day, so none of the other female staff knew he was a guy anyway...)

Zetsu, meanwhile, was attempting to strangle the poor bar of soap, quite unsuccessfully though, due to the soaps lack of needing to breath.

* * *

"Aaaaah, there he is Duckie...Finally! Time for revenge has come! I'll make him regret ever signing up for that toothpaste commercial, MUWAHAHAHA!!!"

"QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUAAAACK!!!"

* * *

"_Aaaaand, thats the only exciting things that happened on that day, I believe..."_

"_But what about when Tobi got Tobis finger stuck in a sharpener?"_

"_Uuuh-"_

"_Or when Tobi fell over 'cause Tobi slipped on a sharpener? Or when someone threw a sharpener at Tobi? "_

_"Tobi....No one cares about your misadventures with sharpeners,un..."_

"_Sooo...It wasn't our neighbour that put sugar in my shampoo?"_

"_Eh...no...What makes you think it was him anyway?"_

"_Woops...Be right back.."_


	6. Superlyduperly high powered mushrooms!

"_Whoo! Story time, story time, Tobi loves story time! Stor-"_

"_Yeah, and Hidan hates fucken pansies that skip around like fucken fairy bitches, so sit your fucken arse down and shut the fuck up!"_

"_Tobi sowwy..."_

"_Hey Renae? Can I tell the fucken story?"_

"_Well, actually I have a bit of a cold today, so I was hoping someone would volunteer, go for it."_

Well, there I was sitting in my fucken classroom, when suddenly this fucken loonatic jumped out at me and was all like "Rawr, you stole my spot in a toothpaste commercial!" or some shit like that, and so I was like "No I fucken didn't, get lost!" and then –

"_Cold gone, I'm telling the story!"_

"_But-"_

"_Ah! No arguing with the birthday gal!"_

"_Bitch...."_

"_Anyway..."_

"Teh, suckers...."

Sasori snickered to himself as he walked down the streets of....uhhh....were was the school?

"_Pfft, so much for knowing everything..."_

"_I never said I did!"_

"_Yeah, you did!"_

"_Are you arguing with the birthday girl Kakuzu??"_

"_Yes, I am!!"_

_Renae glared at Kakuzu, who poked out his tongue. Stuff telling a story, that guy is so dead. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a spork. Kakuzu 'eeeped' in fear and took off, Renae hot on his heels. Yells of "Get back here you cheese eating porkypine!!!!' and "Get away from me crazy lady!" could be heard down the hall, followed by loud crashes. The rest of the Akatsuki cringed at the thought of Kakuzus fate, except Sasori, who merely decided to resume the story...._

Anyway, I was walking down the street, munching on a corn dog, thinking about all those suckers back at the school eating mushed ham mixed with pickles mixed with celery with a hint of purple stuff, whatever it was, back at the cafeteria. I, being body conscious and all, decided to sneak out and grab something a bit healthier. After a, ahem, small argument with the owner of a corn dog stand, I continued on my trip around town, six corn dogs in hand. It was then that I layed my eyes on the most beautiful building of them all.....McDonalds!

Dropping my corn dogs on the pavement, I slowly approached the building, in like...I guess you could say a dream like state. The delicious food, fun-filled playground, beautiful, golden arches, the....Wait a second! I reached into my pocket and pulled out my diary and extracted a slip of paper.

_Sasori,_

_I'm putting you and Deidara in charge of capturing the Jinchuriki of the One-Tailed demon, Shukaku. He is located in Sunagakure and has red hair, pale skin and greenish eyes with black surrounding them and is capable of manipulating sand. You cant miss him._

_Pein_

I placed the paper back into my diary and put it back into my pocket. Yep, thats him. Red hair, check, pale skin, check, black rings around the eyes....aha! As for the eye colour....Well, I couldn't tell at the time from that distance, but everything else matched so what the heck. As for I cant miss him, pfft, with an outfit like that, even the blind could spot him! I watched as he threw sand at pesky little kids that kept trying to steal his awesome shoes, I was meaning to ask him where he brought them, but anyway, so I was convince this had to be the one I was after! He could throw that sand with such accuracy, it could be deadly! So, I quickly zipped off to grab Deidara...

"_Yeah, and while you were gone, your class ran amuck un!"_

"_Well, its not my fault I was so pre-occupied that I completely forgot about them..."_

"_How on Earth can you forget about _them_ un?? They're....they're...."_

"_Evil gumdrop kittens that are really apricots with laser beams and psychic powers !!!"_

"_Yeah! Wait...Huh? Kisame, that made no sense...You've been hangin' round Renae too much...un..."_

"_Heh....Heh...."_

Anyway, while Sasori was running back to school, the wagger un, I attempted to control his class, take note of the word attempted. Buuut, controlling a class is a tad hard if your stuck in a tank with the class pet, which happened to be a 5 foot boa...

Well, it all started when I heard a scream from the classroom next door – Sasoris classroom. Considering I was on my break, un, I had no classes so I thought I had better check it out. As I entered the room, I witnessed a scene of complete horror and mass destruction!!!

"Everyone, back into your seats, un!"

I grinned as the kids scrambled back into their seats, except one – cause she was hanging from the roof...Seriously man, what is it with these kids and hanging other kids, or Kisames, off of things??? Anyway, I cut the kid down and she scrambled back to her desk without a sound un.

"Alright, as punishment for your behaviour, un, you all have to write an essay on ummm....turtles. Start now un."

With a group groan, the kids started working, so I sat at the desk and continued on with my work, wondering whereabouts Sasori could be.

"OH MY GODS!!! LOOK EVERYONE!!! A PURPLE COCONUT!!!"

The class jumped at the sound of the loud voice. The girl that was previously hanging off the roof was jumping up and down behind her desk, pointing at the window. Everyone suddenly launched from their seats, un, and ran to the window. I merely rolled my eyes and proceeded to close the curtains, the before I knew it, I was in a tank. Those two girls, the ones Renae has been referring too as Random Students X and Y sat at their desks smirking, while their 'minions' as they called them closed the lid on the tank, un.

"Haha, excellent job my minions, now, time for PIE!!!"

"No, now its time for plan B, THEN pie, plus, they are MY minions!!! I'm the evil genius here...Alright well, plan B is to...uuuuh..... wait 'till Random Student Y comes up with a awesome plan for C!"

"Hmmm, plan C......."

Random Student Y whispered incoherently into Random Student X's ear, who rolled her eyes.

"Random Student Y, I have so much to teach you..." She sighed. "First off, you do not use ping pong balls in evil plans, those two don't even go together unless you are talking about how they do not go together."

"Oooh, so if I use them in a sentence together implying that ping pong balls are not to be used, but still intend to use them, I have to indirectly impose that I do want ping pong balls, but instead they are to be tennis balls disguised as ping pong balls?"

"That made no sense what so ever...."

"Did to me!"

"Whatever....Ok, minions, now to the OBSERVATORY!!!"

"We have an observatory?"

"We do now!"

And with that they left, un, except the hanging-from-the-roof-girl, who resumed quietly working while the rest of the class looked out the window for the imaginary coconut. She quietly picked up her books and left. I tried shouting for her to let me out, but the glass was muffling my voice, un.

* * *

**Yeah....Well that chapter sucked! Sorry people, but I had a severe case of writers block and well, yeaaaah....Plus not to mention I've been bored out of my brain and have had hardly any human contact over the past...few weeks, thus I am going insane.....8D**


	7. Turkey bananas

OMG! Its been fricken ages man......

* * *

"And that was where I found him. Remembering I was allergic to pythons-" Sasori was cut off by Diedara.

"_Your not allergic to pythons un!"_

"REMEMBERING I WAS ALLERGIC TO PYTHONS-"

"_But your-"_

"LA LA LA LA LA CANT HEAR YOU!!! LA LA LAAAAAA!!!"

"_Hmph..."_

"- I grabbed the tank and rolled it back out of the school, leaving Deidara in there as I might have come into contact with the python, we had a jinchurriki to catch!"

"_Yeah, and while you two were doing that, I held a meeting..." Pein continued._

"Good day everyone, I hope you are all going well..."

I gazed around at the lot off them. Most were pretty worse for wear, but meh, they are S-ranked criminals, they will live...

"I have called you all here today to discuss something. It has come to my attention that there are no other teachers  
here. I have received a letter from the previous principal and it merely says ' Good luck'. Now did that answer your question?"

"We didn't ask any-"

"And I look like I care huh? Look at this face!! Does it show care to you? Huh Kisame??? Does it???"

"Umm...No?" Kisame answered uncertainly.

"No? NO? No....Am I like, an emotionless bastard? Is that what I am to you guys?" I started flailing my arms around, now that I think about it my face probably appeared slightly psychotic. Trust me, bossing around child delinquents was a lot harder then a bunch of S cranked crims, as pathetic as they are, and was taking its toll on me. After a rather dramatic flick of the wrist, I looked on in horror a object flew out of my sleeve, landing on the meeting table. Kisame immediately grabbed it.

"Oh! A Womans Day mag! I have a whole bunch of these under...my.." Kisame slowly trailed off as he gazed around at the odd looks he was receiving, everyone ignoring a horrified me. "Ummm, I mean, Pein, what the hell?"

"You keep a womens day magazine under your bed Kisame?" Hidan raised an eyebrow, snickering as Kisame slowly went red.

"Well..."

"Deidara has porn mags under his..." Kakuzu butted in.

"Seriously Kisame? Thats just...Hang on.." Hidan rounded on Kakuzu. " What the fuck were you doing under Deidara's bed Kakuzu?"

"I was not.."

"But you just fucken said-"

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Oh whatever. Anyway, Kis- Wow, that guy is fuckin hot..." A picture on the cover caught Hidans eye.

"Aaaah, is there something you wish to tell us Hidan?" Kisame lifted a brow, a sly grin appearing on his face. Now to get him back for the magazine harassment....

"Huh? Literally, he's on fucking fire..."

Sure enough, there was a picture of a guy set ablaze upon the front cover. Kisames face fell...

"Gu-ye prOvs...t-hat itss n-ot po-po-po..." Hidan squinted as he attempted to read the title.

" Guy proves that its not possible to put fire out with secret herbs and spices mix used in KFC! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Hmph..."

"ANYWAY!!!" I finally snatched my, I mean Konans Magazine back. "We have a serious problem here!"

"Yes we fucken do!" Hidan responded, punching his fist in the air. I sighed in relief: Atleast one of them wasnt staring at me dumbfounded, or picking his nose... "The food here fucken sucks! And theres no fucken cheerleaders! And I slept last fucking night in the fucking lobby! Why cant we have a mother fucking hotel room?!"

I slapped my palm to my forehead. Nup, they were all lost causes...

"_You really should stop stressing so much Pein, or your hair will go...grey....Hey you know what! Guess who you remind me of!"_

"_If you say Naruto cause we both have bright hair, I will fucken kill you Kisame..."_

"_No! Ichigo!"_

"_Ichi-who?"_

"_The fuck Kisame..." Hidan stopped stressing over the lack of cheerleaders, being one to never miss an arguement._

"_Who the fuck is Ichigo?!?" Pein was scared. Was this Ichigo thing good or bad?_

"_Pein, watch your fucking language!"_

"_Hidan, you cant fucken talk!"_

"_The fuck man, how long have you known me? Surely you should have realised I can fucken talk!"_

_Kisame sighed as the fight continued._

_"I guess we will be finishing this story another time, eh?"_

_Both Pein and Hidan turned on Kisame:_

_"Shut the fuck up!  


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_

I know it was short and Im sorry! But it was just to show I hadn't completely forgotten about this story, I just haven't had much inspiration :/ If you have any ideas, let me know!

Fuck. Its a very versatile word aint it? I remember reading something which gave you examples of all the ways it can be used and such, but cant find it...


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